Wolverines

As some of you know I used to have terrible problems with ungodly sounding farts and an occasional bout of 100mph explosive diarrhea. Ever since I got on my meds all that has cleared up. If there is a Wolverine outing I will skip meds and eat shit im not supposed to just to produce a trumpet of awesomeness.

Well...all this week I felt like I was coming down with something. Friday night it kicked me in the balls. I was feverish. Coughing. Hocking up indescribable horrors and lastly shitting water.

Even with all my problems in the past I have never sharted or shit myself. It's something I take pride in. Seeing the horror on the faces of people when I produce the most horrific wet gurgling farts known to man is whats best in life. But again I have never sharted or shit myself. I came close in high school once but I dropped my drawers just in time and shit all over the wall behind the toilet. The janitor was not amused.

2:15AM.

I am coughing something fierce. I had just taken a big spoonful to Buckley's cough syrup. It's the BOMB. Tastes like shit but stops the cough. Well I laid back down in bed and sneezed and whatever I did it made me cough. Strong manly coughs. Strong manly coughs that made me shart myself. MOTHER OF FUCK. I think I yelled out CHRIST ON A FUCKING CROSS as loud as I could.

So it's 2:15AM and I am trying to grab hold of my boxers so I dont drip shit all over everything while hopping to the bathroom. I get in and shower off and get back in bed....AFTER thoroughly checking to make sure I didn't shit my bed. I didn't.

Fast forward to 11am.

I am watching last weeks burn notice and my stomach started KILLING me. I got cold and was kind of burping. I said to myself "motherfucker I am going to throw up!" So I head into the bathroom I kneel down before the altar and get ready to pay my respects.

OMFG I had 6 gut emptying hurls. The kind that shut down your entire body like you just got hit with a tazer. I don't mind puking. I have puked many times, in many locations. Once on JimTressels porch. What I have never done though is totally shit myself while puking. I had no control over it. I was convulsing so bad every liquid in my body shot out at once.

So once again I took a shower and asked myself in the shower. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME TODAY. Days like this question my belief in higher powers. Either there is no God or he is the worlds biggest prick.

So there you have it. I sharted and shit myself in one day. My vacation starts Thursday. It can't come soon enough.

i think the fact that it produced one of the funniest stories ever proves gods existence, well done sir. *applause*

LOL

it was good but not the funnest  there have been better.

Definitely the most tragic and certainly the one you could've kept to yourself without anyone knowing.  I appreciate your honesty. 

three rules of getting older.

1. never pass up a bathroom
2. never waste a hard on
3. never trust a fart

So one question, did you keep the boxers? Toss them all shit covered in the hamper for the help?

I kept them....boxers in fat man sizes are expensive!

I never keep underwear i shit in.... i mean I never shit in my underwear!

This makes me giggle hard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CH11l73XHyg

Story of my life.