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Reddawn
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« on: May 25, 2008, 05:03:43 PM » |
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In the spirit of sharing everything with you guys I would like to share another wonderful experience I had last night.
The afternoon started out wonderful. I went to Troyers birthday BBQ and the weather was perfect. I had a hamburger and hot dog and 4 charries soaked in 151. I threatened people, told people they were handsome, calmed down a baby (true story), and I offered hugs to all. It was the grandest of times! Watching Troyer break his own birdbath was gold.
So about 8 o'clock we decide it's time to head out to a local eating establishment and watch the UFC pay-per-view. On the way I notice my stomach is NOT happy. I am diseased. I am lactose intolerant and I have celiac disease (wheat/flour allergy). I really need to become a vegetarian.....but I hate vegetables. Occasionally my body will punish me for my transgressions into the wheat/flour realm and decide to produce insane amounts of methane and produce machine gun shits. What some people call a gift I call a curse. My farts are LEGEN........wait for it........DARY. They come out like this [FART]. If I could figure out how to use it on boss fights we'd clear throught BT.
So we get to the restaurant and I am sitting next to my friend Jenn. My guts are KILLING me at this point. So as the evening goes on I am flirting with Turkley, theatening Snackcakes and fighting back the tears. I can't bust ass because Jen is there so I am in pure unadulterated agony. The last fight started and I was like fuck I hope this isn't a five 15 minute round fight.
So the question I ask you is..............have you ever had to shit so bad it made you THROW UP?
You might ask "why didnt you shit at the restaurant?" I can't shit in public. I get skeeved out big time. I don't even like shitting at friends houses. So I was like ok I can last another 30 minutes. WRONG.
I am standing at my buddies car waiting for him to unlock the door and I was like maybe if I fart I will feel better. So I hunkered down to try to rip one out but I immediately knew that would be a big mistake. I felt some pressure equalization problems and knew if I farted I would have shit all over myself.
So I am sitting there doubled over in pain from my worthless guts. So what happens next? I puke 4 times. Four. It was great. When I get done yacking I felt good enough to get home and shit my brains out.
It's not easy being me. Thank you for hearing my story.
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Clifton
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« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2008, 06:13:50 PM » |
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good story, i actually laughed out loud
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Sultress
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« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2008, 06:21:48 PM » |
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Red... have you ever thought about a career change?
Seriously.. I'm laughing my ass off! Stand-up here you come!
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Stugots
I'm no Geographist.
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« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2008, 09:55:11 PM » |
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You should have just let it go.
[yt=425,350]IPKG_dBA7Uw[/yt]
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Stugots is an Italian American slang word taken from "Stu Cazzo", itself a corruption of 'Questo Cazzo', meaning "this dick". 'Questo' = This, 'Cazzo' = dick
Member of the Specialized Terran Fighting Unit since 2005
BCBrent: "This Wolverine has a steed with really long legs".
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Kastil
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« Reply #4 on: May 25, 2008, 10:23:19 PM » |
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I feel your pain Red, my lactose intolerance causes me great distress. Milk shoots through me with such amazing speed that I usually end up letting loose more stomach acid than dook creating a feel like I am crapping the flaming winds straight from the plains of Armageddon.
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Turkley
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« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2008, 01:43:42 AM » |
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Hmmm, so thats why I got a text saying, "I just puked at the restaurant. I hate you guys." For what its worth Red, you did a good job covering your agony up. I didn't even notice that you were suffering so badly.
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Ellanorah
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"Bullet in the Brainpan. Squish"
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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2008, 07:46:34 AM » |
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ROFLMAO...
haha...
o and girls don't poop so I have no idea what you mean...
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Juggz
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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2008, 06:50:09 PM » |
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that's one of the funniest stories i've read....LOL
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Snackcakes
GO BUCKS!
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« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2008, 03:37:08 PM » |
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Damn red... here I thought all those sweet things you were saying to Turk and threats to me were totally sincere. Here I find out its just the wheat/flour talking. Well damn... I dont know who you are anymore man.
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My faith in you shall never falter again.
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gr0n
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« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2008, 07:03:19 PM » |
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He's always had a way with words. Perhaps we should bump the giganto-nut thread?  |
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Reddawn
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« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2008, 11:20:44 PM » |
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2 years in a row I have difficulties after doing shit with Troyer on his birthday....Justin come to my birthday thing...I am going to feed you ecstasy and let a homeless man fuck your ass!
wow that was over the top but it made me giggle
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Reddawn
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« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2008, 12:38:51 PM » |
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just an update to my story......
So in the morning I usually like to take a big duece.....so I don't have to at work. It was grand. I finish then jump in the shower. When I get out of the shower something in the bowl catches my eye. A floater. A RED FLOATER! IN THE SHAPE OF A CHERRY!
WTF
I ate that cherry Saturday! It's Wednesday.
God damn you Justin and your cherries.
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thrun
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« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2008, 12:56:11 PM » |
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I think I have a yeast infection, if that will help this thread along any.
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Kastil
I have two fingers, I have four fingers.
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« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2008, 01:01:37 PM » |
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2 years in a row I have difficulties after doing shit with Troyer on his birthday....Justin come to my birthday thing...I am going to feed you ecstasy and let a homeless man fuck your ass!
wow that was over the top but it made me giggle
OMG! Kith and JT I've just heard the greatest idea for what to do when you guys visit Minneapolis! |
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Snackcakes
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« Reply #14 on: May 28, 2008, 01:05:17 PM » |
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see... if I had admin rights I could have stopped this. Now you all are stuck with the image of this...  I was gonna add Red into the pic, but I think you all have been hurt enough |
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My faith in you shall never falter again.
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